It is a little of one month past my due date. As time marches forever forward, I have a very real measurement of it - my loss date, August 26, 2013 - meaning it's almost 8 months post loss, 6 months post what should have been my anatomy scan, 1 month post what should have been my due date. I should have 1 month old baby. Instead, I am left empty handed. We should have a nursery, a car seat, a stroller, baby clothes, and a little one to love, and instead, we just have each other. Which is ok; but, you can see my issue here. I am getting caught up in the "should haves" of my life. And, if anything, we even should be trying again. But, we aren't. So, where does that leave us?
I am having a hard time with it all. I am frustrated, and upset, and I feel very alone. I know I am not alone. But, it's difficult to get out of my head in this. I had the knowledge of our baby for just 2 months... but for 2 months, I felt like a mother. I was a mother It was like a secret I couldn't share with anyone... the knowledge that as my body changed, and grew, that the little one was doing this too. Growing. Preparing for what should have been a loving life... what could have been an adventure.
I feel incredibly betrayed by my body. For almost 4 weeks, my baby was gone, without me even knowing. No bleeding, no cramping... nothing. My uterus grew, my belly started to feel different. All the while, it was for nothing. I feel incredibly used when I think about it. I feel it was a waste. If only we waited... because now, we are waiting.
I am now betrayed by time... Time. It's dictating our lives, and changing our course. Now, we shouldn't try again, even though I desperately want to. I yearn for it, and, sometimes, it's all I can think about. It's crazy. I think often about loss, and grief, and life, and babies, and conception and trying again. I am being pulled by my academic career, and my personal life feels like it's on hold.
I am also betrayed by grief. It affects how I feel, and how I react... especially to seemingly normal things happening around me. I can't look at a baby without feeling a strange pull in my womb, and a shattering of my heart.... just a little bit. A piece breaks off each time. I can't look at a pregnant belly without feeling the same thing. I can't hear people talking about babies, and I can't think about it. It hurts. It's irrational, but it's there.
So, I am betrayed by my emotions. I am pulled one way and then another. I have a strange reaction to pregnancy announcements... I am very happy. But, I am incredibly sad. It's like a coin - both sides are there equally, and I put the best side forward, but the other one is always there. Always. It's a taunting, quiet, incessant thing. I just want to scream. How can I be happy and sad at the same time? I am pulled 2 ways, until I feel like I may break.
I am betrayed by a world where it is not ok to talk about this. I get it - it's uncomfortable and upsetting. And, what do you say? What can you say to help make this pain go away? Often, words spoken just hurt instead of help, but I smile and nod, and pretend it's what I want to hear. What I need to hear. While, deep down, my heart breaks again. I long for a baby in my arms... the weight, the feel, the touch, the smell. I can picture it, what I should have, but I am left instead with nothing.
Or am I? Are we really left with nothing? I don't really know. I do know that I don't want to forget, even though I could. It would be super awesome to forget... but I won't. I promise. I'll keep you close, little one, until the end.
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