The "should have" conundrum

It is a little of one month past my due date. As time marches forever forward, I have a very real measurement of it - my loss date, August 26, 2013 - meaning it's almost 8 months post loss, 6 months post what should have been my anatomy scan, 1 month post what should have been my due date. I should have 1 month old baby. Instead, I am left empty handed. We should have a nursery, a car seat, a stroller, baby clothes, and a little one to love, and instead, we just have each other. Which is ok; but, you can see my issue here. I am getting caught up in the "should haves" of my life. And, if anything, we even should be trying again. But, we aren't. So, where does that leave us?

I am having a hard time with it all. I am frustrated, and upset, and I feel very alone. I know I am not alone. But, it's difficult to get out of my head in this. I had the knowledge of our baby for just 2 months... but for 2 months, I felt like a mother. I was a mother It was like a secret I couldn't share with anyone... the knowledge that as my body changed, and grew, that the little one was doing this too. Growing. Preparing for what should have been a loving life... what could have been an adventure.

I feel incredibly betrayed by my body. For almost 4 weeks, my baby was gone, without me even knowing. No bleeding, no cramping... nothing. My uterus grew, my belly started to feel different. All the while, it was for nothing. I feel incredibly used when I think about it. I feel it was a waste. If only we waited... because now, we are waiting.

I am now betrayed by time... Time. It's dictating our lives, and changing our course. Now, we shouldn't try again, even though I desperately want to. I yearn for it, and, sometimes, it's all I can think about. It's crazy. I think often about loss, and grief, and life, and babies, and conception and trying again. I am being pulled by my academic career, and my personal life feels like it's on hold.

I am also betrayed by grief. It affects how I feel, and how I react... especially to seemingly normal things happening around me. I can't look at a baby without feeling a strange pull in my womb, and a shattering of my heart.... just a little bit. A piece breaks off each time. I can't look at a pregnant belly without feeling the same thing. I can't hear people talking about babies, and I can't think about it. It hurts. It's irrational, but it's there.

So, I am betrayed by my emotions. I am pulled one way and then another. I have a strange reaction to pregnancy announcements... I am very happy. But, I am incredibly sad. It's like a coin - both sides are there equally, and I put the best side forward, but the other one is always there. Always. It's a taunting, quiet, incessant thing. I just want to scream. How can I be happy and sad at the same time? I am pulled 2 ways, until I feel like I may break.

I am betrayed by a world where it is not ok to talk about this. I get it - it's uncomfortable and upsetting. And, what do you say? What can you say to help make this pain go away? Often, words spoken just hurt instead of help, but I smile and nod, and pretend it's what I want to hear. What I need to hear. While, deep down, my heart breaks again. I long for a baby in my arms... the weight, the feel, the touch, the smell. I can picture it, what I should have, but I am left instead with nothing.

Or am I? Are we really left with nothing? I don't really know. I do know that I don't want to forget, even though I could. It would be super awesome to forget... but I won't. I promise. I'll keep you close, little one, until the end.

An after loss journey and friends!

Part of my journey into the post-loss world involved joining an online support group through the Bump called Trying to Conceive After a Loss (or TTCAL). If not for TTCAL, I am not sure if I would have gotten through everything as well as I have.... and it's nice to have ladies around that understand exactly what you are going through, almost to the tee. I have met some very good friends on the TTCAL board that I hope to meet in real life sometime in the near future.

The downside to TTCAL is that it's online, and open to everyone, meaning that drive by posters are common and douchery abounds. It's hurtful, and ridiculous. And, it makes me wonder what type of person would think it is ok to come into a group of grieving, and frustrated women and be so mean.

The other thing that is super common on the TTCAL board is bad advice. I mean, stupid, pointless comments and suggestions from people who really have no job even saying anything. As a result of this issue, I made this "How to give proper advice on TTCAL" flow chart. Here:

I am not sure if this helps. Generally, people who think that they are right can't be swayed, no matter what. To my real TTCAL friends, thank you and I love you! 

Weight Watchers is working!

I have been struggling with excess weight since I hit puberty. I have never really looked as heavy as I actually am (only the scale, and Jamie knows!) but according to my BMI I am obese. That is a stupid term. And, even when I have been thinner, I was fit and healthy, and bordering on this obese BMI - 50 pounds ago. I have been told by many people that BMI for me isn't helpful because I am short, and pretty muscular for a woman. But, seeing the obese BMI has been bothering me for a while.

With my struggles in the aftermath of a loss, I have put my physical health on hold to focus more on my emotional and mental health, and my PhD. It has been a stress. My body is not happy. I have irritable bowel syndrome, which has been flaring up again. I also have a pelvic pain disorder that I think is related to IBS, and that has been bad too. So I decided to do something about it... again. And hope it stays.

I never really think of myself as overweight. I am a fit girl trapped in this body, and pictures and mirrors make me anxious because I see myself in them and know that is not how I feel on the inside. So, we decided after some procrastinating to join Weight Watchers Online. We were not sure how the week would go because we went grocery shopping before signing up, and we had food in the house that needed to be eaten up. But, we both know what is healthy to eat and what really isn't, which may put us at a bit of an advantage. I taught nutrition to undergraduate students during my Master's, so even though I know what is good, I don't necessarily make the best choices.

This week was a bit tough because we tend to eat and snack when we are bored, especially on the weekends. But, we didn't. And, we did our morning weigh in and I am down 6.8 pounds and Jamie is down 5.8! Jamie doesn't have as long to go in his weight loss journey as I do, but I am glad he is doing it with me! I am hoping that this is a sign of what is to come :)

My first post!

I decided today to start a blog! I have been thinking about this for a while, and really think it may help me get some things out and off my chest. So, here goes my first post...

2013 was a difficult year for my husband and I, but it actually started out really great. We went on our first really big trip together as a couple in April, even though in 2013 we had been together for 11 years! We went to Italy for 2 weeks - the first week to a Cancer Genetics and Epigenetics conference near Barga, Italy, and then we spent a week in Florence together. It was the best trip we have been on together, and the start of what I hope will be some fun times travelling.

But, let me back up and switch topics... to get to the point of this post. Prior to our trip to Italy, we talked about starting a family. We never thought we wanted to be parents, and in fact, for most of our relationship, we said we would never have children. But, as we grew together as a couple, I realized that I really wanted it for us too. And, Jamie agreed. So, we decided that Italy was going to be our last big thing before trying for a family. I even had a date set when we got back to take out my IUD so that we could start the process of trying for a family. So that's what we did...

And, much to our surprise, 5 weeks later, we got a BFP! A positive pregnancy test! This was completely unexpected so quickly. That morning, I took a test on the way into the shower, not thinking it would be positive, but actually because I really wanted a glass of wine, and wanted to be sure. When I came out of the shower, I couldn't believe it... I took a digital and it actually said "Pregnant: 1-2 weeks". I ran out of the shower in my towel, to a completely unexpected Jamie, and started crying holding it up. Since I caught him off guard, he didn't know what to say or do... but, this was it. I was actually pregnant!

The next weekend, we were going camping with friends, and met up with them the next day after we found out. Jamie told our friends, so that they wouldn't be wondering why I wasn't drinking. We called family too. And, on Monday, I headed to the campus walk in clinic to see a doctor, who sent me for blood tests, and booked an 8 week ultrasound to date the pregnancy, since it was so soon after the IUD removal. Then, I went on my way. Up to the ultrasound, I spent those 5 weeks with early pregnancy symptoms... sore boobs, gagging, nausea, hunger and I was so tired. And, unfortunately for me, I couldn't keep my pregnancy a secret (I work in a lab) since it was very obvious something was up. I was tired, and couldn't do certain experiments. So, I was nervous too, for the future, for our ultrasound, for everything really.

Then, the ultrasound came along and... I think I held my breath until my husband excitingly asked if that flickering thing was the heart beat! A heart beat! Our little bean was measuring 7 weeks, 6 days and had a heart beat of 171 bpm! We were so in love!

***Warning here is my 1 and only picture of our baby***

We started talking about baby names, the nursery, paint colours, furniture... pretty much everything that new parents think about! And the future, too! It was a great time, despite the nausea, and the constant gagging, and the fact that the bathroom floor and I became great friends. 12 weeks rolled around and we were almost at the 2nd trimester! Our NT scan was 1 week away....

Then, the brown spotting, which had been happening off and on during my pregnancy, started nagging at me. I called my doctor. I was sent to the ER. We spent 4 hours in the ER thinking everything was fine... we would see our Bean, we would come home, and everything would be ok. But, it really wasn't. The first clue - the ancient ER ultrasound machine couldn't find a heartbeat, though the ER doctor said it was old, and couldn't find such small things sometimes. This was wrong though... our baby was almost 13 weeks! We should see Bean on the screen... and we did, but not clearly. So, off to radiology we went, and I was sent into the ultrasound room alone. I should have known that something was so. The tech was so quiet, and she didn't say a word the whole time. I couldn't see the screen because it was behind my head, but she called in Jamie, and the doctor, who told us the worst thing I have ever heard in my whole life. The baby died. There was no heartbeat. Though I was almost 13 weeks pregnant, the baby hadn't grown past nine weeks. A missed miscarriage. My betas were only 3000. I would need a D&C.

Saying that I was devastated is an understatement. I remember crying that I wanted my baby back. Dropping my glasses (they are still scratched, and the lens has popped out a bit). I could barely make it back to the room, and I was taken back in a wheel chair... through the ER waiting room (what a stupid hospital) looking like a crazy person since I was hysterically crying. I texted my sister. Jamie texted work to take time off. We drove home. I almost collapsed in the hall, and just made it to bed before crying for literally 24 hours. Jamie pretty much forced me to eat and sleep, since I felt (and looked) like shit. The D&C was scheduled - August 26, 2013. The 2nd worst day of my life.

Having a miscarriage is like having your heart taken out of your body momentarily, and being handed to you with a piece missing, or, like being punched really hard in the stomach. It puts you in a fog. It not only takes away your baby, but it takes away anything you had wanted in the future. Those plans you made? Those were gone too. If you really let yourself, you can be pulled down into the sorrow to the point where you can't see a way out. I know this - I was there for a week. I didn't work, didn't go out... I don't know if I ate, or how much I slept... and my first day back at work turned into a melt down in the car, and a taxi ride back home. I spent this time fighting nausea from the beta HCG remaining in my system. I still felt pregnant for a while. This, if anything, made it worse. My body didn't know I had a loss, though my mind certainly did. It's almost cruel that for 3 weeks we thought our baby was growing, when in reality, my body had no idea what was up. The fog ascended and it didn't lift for a long while...

So this began my journey into life after loss, which is a topic for another time.